Jaxvillain's Jacksonville JourneyMaking Murder Work for Us Instead of Against Us
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, Jacksonville. I know. We screwed up. We re-elected a sheriff that made our city nationally ranked! In gun violence. And now that the guns are spreading out of their normal Northside streets and into our ArtWalks (shooting in Hemming Plaza 7/2) and First Fridays (shooting in 5 Points 7/4) it is apparent that re-electing the guy that ushered in this era of violence was not a well conceived strategy.
Even the mayor’s crack team of NFL celebrities haven’t managed to come up with a good solution. We were all confident that if you got enough millionaires that live in gated communities on the Southside together, they would surely be able to come up with a solid solution to the issues of poverty and violence coming from Jacksonville’s Northside, but even that seemingly fool-proof plan has not ebbed the trend.
The fact is lots of Jacksonvillians love to shoot guns. Many of them like to shoot those guns at people. And as much as the Times-Union says that they are pressuring authorities to do something, the truth is that we still have gun shows, we still book gangster rap shows at the Five Points Theatre, and we still send police into poor neighborhoods to brutalize and arrest any black people they find. We’re not really trying all that hard.
So lets turn this lemon into lemonade! Sure, many lives are ended at the barrels of Jacksonville guns, but we’re still Where Florida Begins! Plenty of towns have garnered a healthy tourist market from their natural tendency to kill people. Dodge City and many of the other towns that earned a reputation during the days of the Wild West have turned their murder rates into cash cows. And their murder rates aren’t even in the top fifty anymore!
The Real Jacksonville Journey is a new tourist attraction that makes the most of murder! We here at Jack’d are investing all of our time and energies into making this guided tour of Jacksonville murder sites a part of everyone's Florida vacation. While many city officials have been reluctant to get on the bandwagon, we are sure that this optimistic solution will be a hit. And the best part is, the more people that get murdered, the better! All it does is make The Jacksonville Journey even more popular!
Get on board our convertible bus at Shanty Town in Springfield. We have not finalized contracts, but we are hoping that when Boston Tom, the Shanty Town regular that was gunned down by a teenager in front of the bar about a month ago, will be able to be our celebrity tour guide when he has fully recovered from his gunshot wounds. He’ll tell you the tragic tale of some dimwitted teenagers on a mission to rob the city’s poor little punk rock bar and how the night ended as so many nights in the River City do: in a haze of bullets and blood.
Then climb onto the bus as Boston Tom takes you on a grand tour of the most recent crime scenes, updated daily! Hold onto your hats when you pass Confederate Park, because sometimes random bullets hit passengers of the convertible bus. You should be so lucky to witness a real Jacksonville murder first-hand. While that is not altogether unlikely during your visit to the Bold New City, it isn’t guaranteed to happen on our Jacksonville Journey tour. But just to enhance the tourist experience, we will employ several people to hide in popular high-crime areas and leap out at our bus brandishing one of Jacksonville murderers’ favorite firearms to fire on the tourist. Name the gun that is fired or the victim from that location and you win a free night in an Arlington motel!
On the few scouting missions we’ve done in our bus, we’ve taken along a few groups of tourists to test out the experience. Here are their rave reviews:
“It was terrifying! I felt like I really lived in Jacksonville!” –Beth Hollaway, Columbus Ohio
“I think some of last night’s whisky fell out of my ass in Brentwood!” –Brian MacDougal, Troy, North Carolina
“I’m afraid the kids will be disappointed with Disney’s Hounted Mansion when we get down to Orlando now that we’ve been on the Jacksonville Journey.” Meredith Swanson, Providence, Rhode Island
“I’ve never been so scared in all my life.” Brent Johnson, Detroit, Michigan
Don't miss Jaxvillain's Jacksonville Journey this murder season!